Our Why
“Where are you going?”
“I’ll be back.”
“But, we’re right in
the middle of this.
You can’t go now.”
“I said, ‘I’ll be back.’
If it needs finishing,
we’ll finish it then.”
Early in our marriage –
and all the rest
of the way through –
when emotions got
a little too hot,
and words got
a little too prickly,
and my man and I
started to feel more
like enemies
than lovers,
my love
would walk out the door.
The first time –
as a brand new bride,
the closed door
and the sound of his truck
driving away
broke my heart –
wide and deep.
And I cried and cried and cried.
But, like he had said,
he came back.
He always came back.
His demeanor –
quiet.
His anger –
subdued.
His love –
undeniable
as he met me
with tears
and kisses
instead of anger
and words.
Years later,
with a cell phone
tucked in his pocket,
he didn’t even make it home
before the tears fell,
and my phone rang,
and I strained to
understand
his muffled, sobbing voice.
And I soon realized,
first as my brand new husband –
and then all of the
rest of the way through,-
time spent high on a ridge
while bent low on his knees
before his God,
broke his heart –
wide and deep.
And he cried and cried and cried.
A few months after his funeral
while sharing a table and ice tea
with a friend,
he looked at me –
with a yearning in his eyes –
and asked,
“How did you all do it?”
Sensing there was more
to his question,
I waited.
“I mean – marriage.
Granted, I’m only
a few years into mine,
but . . . man.
I’ve faced a lot of challenges
in my lifetime.
A lot.
But, I’ve always, always
been able to
tackle whatever it is
and make it work.
But marriage –
I just can’t seem to do anything with this.”
“My man and God
did it,” I answered.
“I was so insecure
and so unsure of myself.
I fought to be understood.
I fought to be heard.
I fought to be known.
I fought with all that I had.
But my man –
he fought for us.
He took our fight
out of the fight
and took it to God.
And alone
in his sanctuary,
the mountains he loved so much,
he fought
to understand,
to hear,
and to know God
in the midst of it.
He fought for us
with all he had.
Just like Jacob,
He wrestled with God
and God answered.
His limp?
A broken and contrite heart.
Thankfully,
over the years,
I learned to fight like my man.
The cry of my heart
began to match his.
It became less about
fighting for me
and more about
fighting for us
and God in us.
It all came down to this:
To let glorifying God
be our why.”
And what I wish
I would have told this friend
as we sat together
talking that day is this:
When marriage is
more about
making us holy
than making us happy,
we find the happy
we are longing for.
“Where are you going?”
“I’ll be back.”
And in the returning,
we discovered the
holy in our matrimony.
In the reunion,
God was glorified
every single time.
~Stacy
I lost my man eight years ago, unexpectedly, to a heart attack. Today, August 7, is our anniversary. Sharing this “personal favorite” post of mine in honor of my man, our love, and our God who held us together. The missing is hard, so very hard- but the spiritual fruit of our relationship is still nourishing my soul. Lord, for all of this – I am so blessed.
If you are in a season of grief or know someone who is, you might fight great comfort and companionship in the pages of IF ONLY I COULD: A Journey of Loving, Missing, and Living Beyond and YOU’LL BE FINE, BEAUTIFUL. YOU’VE GOT GOD: Experiencing God in the Midst of Grief. I wrote both of these books in the early months of my grief journey and so many have found them to be a blessing as they journey through their own. You can find more information on my BUY MY BOOKS page.
