Don’t Carry What Isn’t Yours To Carry~
I wrote the folowing post in February, 2016 – two weeks after losing my husband unexpectedly to a heart attack. It was as if God spoke to my heart saying, “Write this down, sweet girl. In the days ahead, you are going to need to remember this truth. In the months and the moments and yes – even in the years down the road, when guilt tries to grab hold of this truth and steal it from your heart, remember this. Remember, I was there and I was enough. Remember, there was nothing you could do. I was the only one who could, and in my tender mercy and abundant kindness, I did. Write it down, so when guilt comes, you can go back and find your footing. Write it down, so in moments of weakness, you can stand on this truth and allow it to be a firm foundation underneath your fragile heart. Write it down – – – and then, – – – remember.”
Today – I am sharing it again for a couple of reasons.
So many of you are new here. Welcome! This is my story.
And . . . two:
Today I received an email from a precious heart who had purchased one of my books and had written to say thank you as well as share her heart. As I read the words spilling through no doubt tears, I thought of me and the day God told me to write this down. The following ‘post’ before the post is an email reply I just now – at this very moment – wrote to her. As I hit “send” on my email reply, God instantly spoke to my heart to post the words He had given me for her there, here, along with my original post. I have no doubt He intends to use them to minister to hurting hearts reading here today.. . . . . . . . . .
I can’t even imagine the heartache you endured even before you lost your husband as you witnessed his need and yet were unable to do anything to help or change the outcome. And yet, although my loss happened much differently than yours – a sudden call from my husband, me rushing home, and arriving too late – I do know all too well the feeling of guilt and “what could I have done differently”. I also know how an image – like that of your husband on the ventilator and that of my husband lying on our bathroom floor can stay with you. I remember telling my sister – “That’s all I can see when I think of him. Him lying on the floor. I can’t see him any other way.” Oh – how it bothered me and he had nothing but the most beautiful look of peace on his face! But – I wanted to remember all of him, all our memories, all our moments. In time – I’m five years out – the other memories returned and – even amazingly – ones I had forgotten. I think the same with happen for you. And precious one – if I could tell you one thing it would be this – the guilt and the “what could I have done differently” aren’t yours to carry. This was out of your control. In time, I pray those feeling will fade away, bringing peace. I know my husband wouldn’t have wanted me to carry that. I’m sure the same is true of yours.
And now – the post I wrote to remind me: Don’t carry what isn’t yours to carry. And, this: Our God has always been and will always be more than enough. And maybe, just maybe, you need these reminders today, too.
It was 4:50 pm. Trying to wrap up everything on my to-do list before heading home from my office, I was busily working away when my phone rang. "Hi, Beautiful. Do you think you'll be able to get away right at five tonight, or will you need to stay late?" "Hi, Handsome. No, I should be able to leave here in about ten minutes." "Instead of running errands, do you think you could just come straight home?" "Sure. Is everything ok?" "I think I might need to go somewhere for some help. I'm not feeling quite right." "I'm on my way. Don't worry. I'm coming right now." I grab my keys and purse, and as I head out the door, I mention to a co-worker my husband needs me and I have to go. NOW. Buckling my seat belt and starting my car, I phone my husband. I talk with him all the short 6-8 minute drive home, assuring him with each turn and each intersection passed I am almost there. "I'm going to call an ambulance," he finally says. "That way I will be able to get in to see a doctor sooner once we're at the hospital." "Ok, Handsome. Hold on, I'm coming. I'm almost there. I'm almost there, Handsome. Love you." And with that, our conversation ends. Traffic begins blurring with panic and erupts in heart cries to my God. "Oh, Lord. Be with my husband. Help him, Father God. I'm almost home. I'm almost there, Lord. Help him. Help me be able to help him once I get there. Oh, Father God, I'm almost there." A half a minute or so later, I pull into the drive. It's 4:58 pm. I race to the front door and into our home. "Honey, I'm here. It's ok, now. I'm here." My ears and my heart met with only a deafening silence. "Honey!! I'm here!!" I turn the corner of our hallway and see his legs and feet (and his phone), lying motionless. And, I see him there, lying in the bathroom, and I know. I was too late. Only, looking at the radiantly peaceful look on my man's face, feeling surrounded by the gentle hush of angels, experiencing as never before the peace that can only be the presence of God, I know in the deepest place of my heart, God is here, in our bathroom, in our home, in this moment, in this timing. I was almost there, but God, God is here. Here with His kindness and His mercy. Here with His "in an instant" blessing. Here with His arms open wide. Here with my husband then, here with me, now. And all I can do, as I hold his hands tight, rest my head on his chest, and cry until I feel as though my own heart will give out, is thank my God. It is God who blessed me with this man 25 years ago when we first met. It is God who blessed me with the gift of being his wife almost 16 years ago. (We had dated 10 years before saying I do because he had to be sure he was sure!) It is God who blessed me to be the one to live alongside this man as he lived out the day to day living of his extraordinary life. It is God who blessed me with his last words, and almost his last moment. And, it is God who was with my husband at his last breath. When I was almost there, God was there, more than I could have ever hoped or imagined, more than I could have ever wanted for my husband. When I was almost there, less than half a minute away, God was there, and it was more than obvious God was (and always will be) more than enough.~❤️ ~Stacy
