We’ve Only Just Begun

super Christian,

but you’re not.

You are a long way

away from that,

let me tell you.”

His words 

hit 

hard 

and deep.

Every time

he said them

and each 

and every time 

he tried

to let me

let him

tell me.

Which was 

more often

than I 

would have 

liked to have heard

and worse,

more often

than I would have

liked to admit.

And yet,

here,

now,

over six years

removed 

from any 

chance of 

my man

saying them again,

I know 

more than ever – 

He. was. right.

They. are. true.

If God has

shown me

anything

over the past 

two and a half years,

it is this truth:

I am not 

a super Christian.

I am a long way

away from it.

What I thought

was God calling me

to step in and

care for my

precious, 

eighty-seven year old mother,

was in 

spiritual reality,

God calling me

to step it up

and to work out

my own salvation

with fear and trembling.

“. . . work out

his good purpose.“

~Philippians 2:12-13

While salvation

is ours

the moment

we believe in Christ,

acknowledge our need for a Savior,

confess and repent,

the working out 

of this –

through the process

of sanctification –

takes a lifetime.

To somehow think

we have “arrived”

as a Christian

is to not even 

have begun 

because 

true santification,

true becoming like Christ,

true fear and trembling 

which is seen 

as reverent awe that 

leads to obedience,

will reveal

to a seeking heart

just how far away

from “arriving”

it truly is.

The closer I get 

to the Father’s heart,

the more disgusted 

(for lack of a better word)

I am with mine.

Talking with my

sister and brother-in-law

about just how explicitly

God was 

showing me – 

the real me,

and how 

broken I was

by the revelation

and weight of it all,

I shared 

how in prayer 

I had told God

one particularly hard night,

“God, you are 

killing me here.”

“I think 

that’s the 

whole point,”

my brother-in-law

remarked.

And, he was right.

In order for me

(and you, by the way)

to be like Christ,

to process through

the process of santification,

death of self

has to happen.

And,

for death to self

to happen,

we first 

have to see

all that is

living 

and moving

and having 

its way in us

that is not of God.

Up until recently,

my being a Christian

had been 

a walk in the park,

mainly because – 

come to find out –

I was walking 

through the park of 

“looks good on the outside”.

But God –

precious God

knew there was

much,

oh so much 

work to be done

on the inside.

Pride.

Anger.

Selfishness.

Resentment.

Bitterness.

Insecurity.

(to name a few)

And,

God,

precious God

knew there was

one place,

more than any other,

that would 

help me 

refine 

all that needed

falling away:

serving my mother.

My husband

had been aware 

of my need

long before I was,

but our relationship

wasn’t abrasive enough

to provide

the “iron sharpens iron” 

make over

my heart needed.

Slowly,

oh so very slowly,

God is killing me –

but in the 

best way possible

and with my full consent –

(finally!)

because God 

will never 

do a demolishing

and rebuilding

of a heart

without willful cooperation.

And,

it is this

willful cooperation

that Paul referred 

to as 

the working out 

of our salvation

with fear and trembling.

It is not

a work

we could ever

hope to do on our own.

It is only 

through the power of

and our submission to

the Holy Spirit

that it is possible.

But,

praise God,

it is possible.

No,

I’m still not

a super Christian – 

not anywhere close

as a matter of fact,

but praise God,

the parts of me

that aren’t so super

are coming to light

in the saving knowledge

of Jesus my Lord

and as tears

of confession fall,

my will –

in steps of repentance –

is falling into

allegiance

to my King.

As you can imagine,

this work of

sanctification

has been

MESSY!

But. 

this mess

will one day 

(maybe even 

as soon as I 

post this post)

begin to be

a message 

God can use

to help 

someone else,

like me,

working out 

their own salvation 

with fear and trembling, too.

If that’s you,

take heart,

my friend.

The same Paul

who urges us to 

“press toward the goal

in Christ Jesus“

(Philippians 3:14)

is the same Paul

who encourages us

with these words:

” . . . being confident

of this very thing,

that He who

has begun a

good work in you

will complete it

until

the day of Jesus Christ.”

~Philippians 1:6

Until.

No we haven’t 

yet arrived,

but knowing 

we haven’t,

realizing our need,

surrendering to the Spirit,

allowing God to 

have His way –

in us and through us –

is a perfect place to begin.