This is My God

We sat the three of us,

a dear friend,

her husband 

and me.

Sharing a booth,

in a restaurant

in a town

none of us 

had been to before.

Visiting family 

a couple of hours away,

my friend had texted

to make arrangements

to meet up for a meal

and longover due 

conversation.

So, we made arrangements

to meet in the middle.

After the usual hug

and smiles

and how are you’s

that accompany

reunions of old friends,

my heart 

knowing it was in

good company

begans to unload.

Two weeks before –

on Memorial Day to be exact,

my heart sat

in the company 

of another one

who does it good –

my sister,

unloading on her, too.

Through uncontrollable tears

and muffled words,

I sat in her car,

as together we sat

at the lake.

“I feel so embarrased.

So ashamed.

I just lost it.

I completely lost it.”

My sister listened,

handed me tissues,

and listened some more.

“I was just screaming at her.

I don’t know what 

is wrong with me.

I’ve never had so much anger.

I’ve never screamed 

at anyone like that before.

And to top it all off –

while I was screaming,

mom was holding her phone

in her hand 

and somehow it 

randomly dialed her old neighbor.

She heard the entire conversation.”

More tears.

SO many tears.

(and tears even now –

as I am writing this)

“Yeah, it’s unfortunate

 that all happened –

but it’s good it did.

You just reached a breaking point

and this is a warning to you

that you need to start

taking more breaks –

getting away more,

taking care of you some

and not just mom all the time.”

Her words –

as they always are –

were spot on.

Two weeks before this –

a small bump on my mom’s arm

(which turned out to be nothing)

had found us 

walking into a 

local emergency room.

“Hi. How can I help you?”

the lady at the desk 

asked my mom.

“I think I might have 

a blood clot in my arm.”

She took some information

and sent us to the triage nurse.

“Hi. How can I help you?’

the nurse asked my mother.

After a short conversation,

we were taken to a 

examination room.

Moments later a nurse

walked in and again said,

“Hi. I’ll be your nurse.

How can I help you?”

Then, the doctor came in

and he, too, asked my mom,

“How can I help you?”

After deciding an ultraound

was in order,

my mom was wheeled

down the hall

while I sat all alone.

As I sat in the stillness,

I found myself 

longing for someone,

anyone –

to walk into the room,

come over to me,

look into my eyes with concern

and ask,

“How can I help you?”

Two and half years

of caregiving

that have included

so many miles 

driven back and forth

between my mom’s home and mine,

followed by the packing up

and selling of my home,

and now the enormous task

of sorting through

and packing up

and moving of her home –

along with short term memory loss,

her fight to hold on to her independence,

the new of moving to a new home, etc

had me completely worn

with no end in sight. 

I was an eruption

looking for a place to erupt.

And, erupt,

I did.

As I confessed 

it all over again –

this time over brunch –

I shared I not 

only had guilt 

over my behavior

with my mother,

but also guilt

over not being able

to write and minister

to others through my writing

because of the guilt.

As I looked down

to cut another piece

of my waffle,

my friend 

a soul sister

through and through

looked down, too.

“You feel unworthy.”

With heads still down,

but eyes now 

turned up and

meeting

across the table,

I nodded “yes”.

And it is this 

unworthy

that has kept me

missing in action here

for over two months.

It is this 

unworthy

and feeling so

unable to work through

all the emotion

of the all of this situation

that has kept me silent.

And yet,

God has been anything but.

Time and time again

He has spoken to me 

reminding me of 

His unconditional love,

His undeserved grace,

His compassion and patience,

His never-leave-you presense,

His complete forgiveness.

He has been faithful to 

speak through His word,

speak through devotionals,

speak through others.

He even went so far

as to impress upon 

a precious heart –

someone I’ve never met,

but who follows my ministry –

to reach out

and send a letter 

with these simple

yet powerful words:

“Hi Stacy.

Thank you for 
‘Heartprints of God’

Don’t quit. Keep it going.”

And in her kindness,

she included a donation

to show her appreciation.

Her check,

along with the 

rest of me –

has just been 

sitting here –

uncashed.

unused for God’s glory.

Until yesterday.

Until looking ahead to 

tomorrow (Aug 7)

and what would be

my 22nd wedding anniversary

reminded me of 

this precious truth:

~John 10:10

Yes, 

up until yesterday,

shame had 

proven to be

a formidable enemy 

in this fight,

but praise God,

And, I did,

knowing full well,

God can take this 

mess of who I am

and turned it into a message

of His grace,

It’s what God does.

In spite of who we are,

in spite of what we do,

in spite of it all –

our God redeems

not only us from the pit of it,

but He does the amazing –

and redeems the mess, too.

He brings beauty from ashes.

I have no doubt

God will use my

mess up

to lift up 

someone who has fallen.

I have no doubt

God will use my

enslavement to shame 

to set someone else free.

Truth be told,

we are all unworthy.

But, God.

Oh, but God.

In Him,

we are clothed 

with a righteouness 

that covers all our sin.

In Him,

we can confess,

we can repent,

and we can get back up

and keep going.

If we let Him,

God can use our failure

to preach the gospel

to us and to those

watching us

walk through it.

This is my hope.

This is my prayer.

This is my God.