It’s Time To Go~
“There’s just such
a huge disconnect.
You know?”
And even though
my sister nodded her head “yes”,
I knew deep inside,
no matter how much she wanted
to know,
to understand,
she couldn’t.
“Everything is so new here.
And, I love it.
I really do,
but I keep wishing
I could share it with him.”
Having lost my husband
almost six years ago,
I now find myself
living in a new home,
in a new state,
in a definitely new season
of life.
“Like the blue heron.
Every time I see it on the lake
outside my bedroom window
I want to call for him
to come see it, too.
When the snow falls,
when the Canada geese fly over,
when the moon lights on my bed,
when God shows me something new in His word –
all day long, every day long,
I long to share all of this new
with him.
And, my books.
How I wish
he could know
just how God is using my books
to touch,
to minister,
and to encourage
so many people
through their season of grief.”
“Yeah, I get that.
But, if he was still here –
you wouldn’t be here now
enjoying all of these new things.
If he was still here,
there wouldn’t be any books.”
My sister –
her words always
hit my heart
in a way my heart
can accept.
Like the time
my father passed away.
December 23, 2004
found us standing in a cemetery,
by a newly dug grave –
a cold wind blowing,
and night approaching.
After having helped my mom
care for my precious father
for two and a half years,
I couldn’t walk away.
“C’mon Beautiful.
It’s time to go.
It’s getting dark
and it’s too cold.”
Words of my husband,
as he gently took my hand
and tried to lead me to the car.
Frozen in my grief,
I looked over at my sister
who was nodding her head
in agreement with my man.
“But, if we go,
who’s going
to take care of Daddy?
We can’t just leave him here.”
And without even thinking about it,
my sister answered
with the only words
capable of “releasing me”.
“His mother.
Look, she’s right here –
right here next to him.
And, so is his brother.
He’ll be fine.
We have to go now.”
And I think it goes
without saying,
a grieving heart –
since it is a heart, after all –
doesn’t always reason things out
based on truth and reality,
but on emotion,
on feelings,
on parts of us
for which there is no reasoning.
It’s why we need
the voice of reason
from a trusted heart
who can speak the language
of our own heart.
“There’s a huge disconnect
because these two parts of your life
will never be able to connect.
At least, not in the way
you want them, too.
That was then.
This is now.
And, they aren’t the same.
They’ll never be the same.”
And I think back to a hotel room in Seattle.
Six months after losing my man,
my sisters and I went on a sister trip.
As we were lying in bed,
I told my sister
I was afraid
to move forward
because I feared
if I did
it would erase
all of the past.
“It’s just a new chapter.
When you finish a chapter in a book
and start on the next one,
does the last one disappear?”
“No.”
“Yours won’t either.
It will still be there.
It will always be there.
It’s just you aren’t there anymore.
You are now in the next chapter.”
“For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?”~Isaiah 43:19
For the past (almost) six years,
God has been placing this verse
in front of me.
And, for the past (almost) six years,
God has been doing
all kinds of “new”
in my life.
On Feb 4, 2022 –
God willing,
I will start my seventh year
without my man.
And I can’t help thinking,
this disconnect
is all part of God’s plan.
After all,
seven is God’s perfect number
of completion.
And maybe, just maybe,
the complete work
God is doing now
is that of helping my heart –
(who in so many ways
stays frozen in place) –
to walk away.
Just like that cold night,
in that dark cemetery,
so many years ago.
“C’mon, Beautiful. It’s time to go.”
To let my man
simply rest in peace
while I get about the business
of truly living and truly enjoying
the rest of my life.
“How do I bridge the disconnect?”
“Simple.
You don’t.
You can’t.
You can’t connect to the past.
You can only connect to the future.
You know?”
As I nod my head “yes”,
I know deep inside,
no matter how much I thought
my heart could never
possibly know,
possibly understand,
somehow,
by God’s grace,
it does.
It’s time to go.
~Stacy
