To Live It Out~

I stand in front of our dresser
looking at one of
my favorite photos
of my husband
lovingly tucked 
into the frame 
of the mirror attached to it.

And like so many times before,
a one-sided conversation
begins to take place.

"Oh, Handsome. 
You taught me so much.
So much I didn't even realize
until now,
almost six years
after your passing.

Like the time
I had that "run-in"
with the pastor 
at the church 
where I was employed.

Remember how I 
showed up
in the parking lot 
where you worked -
tears running down my face
and a look of 
"what will my man think?"
written all over my face?

I'll never forget 
what you did
or what you said.

Bending down 
and resting your arm
on the door
of my open car window,
you looked me 
right in the eye and asked,
"Are you ok, Beautiful?
Is there anything I need
to go finish for you?"

After assuring you I was indeed ok
and that no, you didn't need to
go and finish anything for me,
you asked me what happened.

After explaining it all,
you looked me 
square in the eye
once again
and asked,
"Now that you are away 
from the emotion of the moment,
would you do it again?"

Nodding my head "yes"
as tears once again
spilled down my cheeks,
you leaned over
kissed me on the forehead
and smiled.

"Then, go home,
fix you some lunch,
enjoy your afternoon 
out on the porch,
and God willing,
I'll see you for supper."

Then, looking at me
eye to eye once more, 
you asked again,
"You sure you're ok, Baby?"

Nodding my head "yes",
you gave me one more 
kiss on the forehead,
patted the side 
of the car door
and headed back to work.

So much wisdom
is such a short conversation.

Looking back now,
I wish I could thank you, Handsome.
I wish I could."

As tears take over
this one-sided conversation,
it's almost as if 
my heart
can hear your reply.

"Live what I taught you, Baby.
That's how you can thank me.
Remember what I said
and live it out."

As the thought
of this thought
takes hold of me,
I find myself 
wiping my tears
and standing up tall.

"Yes! That's what I'll do."

Then I continue talking 
with the photo.

"Remember a week or so later,
when I hadn't yet 
'ironed' it all out at work
and I was sitting on the couch
and you were sitting in your recliner
watching a game on TV?

Knowing I was deep in thought,
you looked over at me and asked,
"What are you thinking, Beautiful?"

"Do I have to go back, Handsome?
Do I have to go back there?"

"Of course not, Beautiful.
You never have to do anything
you don't want to do.
You hear me, Baby? Never."

Feeling as though I was 
off the hook,
I can almost feel again,
the sense of relief 
that flooded over me.

But then, -
then . . .
you continued.

"But, think about this, Beautiful:
Who is it going to hurt
if you don't go back?
Who's it going to hurt, Baby?"

And I could tell
by the look on your face,
you knew good and well,
you had me
as I immediately saw 
the faces of all the precious children
I had the privilege 
to minister to 
as well as the 
faces of all the mothers
(now dear friends)
who met with me
in Bible study each Wednesday 
to grow in faith and community.

I feel like quitting again, Handsome.
The call God has given me now,
taking care of my mom -
her so different from me
and me so different from her -
but - 
I hear you again now -
loud and clear -
as I stand looking at your photo.

"You can quit, Beautiful.
But if you do, 
who is it going to hurt, Baby?"

And again,
you have me
right where it hurts,
right where it counts.

And the only way
I know how to thank you 
is to stay
and to live it out.

And, with God's help-
I will.

And I know
deep down in my heart
the only way
I can possibly
live it out,
is to not only
remember the wisdom
of my husband,
but 
more importantly,
the wisdom of
my Heavenly Father
poured out
on the pages of His word.

So many scriptures
hidden in my heart
that I might not
sin against my God.

So many verses
memorized and tucked deep
to pull out and use
when all the forces of hell
seem to be waging against me.

"Honor your father and mother - "
~Exodus 20:12a

"Bear with one another and,
 if one has a complaint against another,
forgive each other:
as the Lord has forgiven you,
so you must also forgive."
~Colossians 3:13

"How good and pleasant it is
when God's people 
live together in unity!"
~Psalm 133:1

"Instead, be kind to each other,
tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
just as God through Christ
has forgiven you."
~Ephesians 4:32

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes, 
always perseveres.
Love never fails."
~1 Corinthians 13:4-8

The way I can 
thank You, too,
Father God,
for all You have taught me,
for all You have given me,
for all You have done for me,
is to live it out.

I pray, Lord,
when my life is over
and my last breath 
has left my body,
I will have 
lived my life
in a way 
that thanks both
my husband,
who You so graciously gave me,
and You.

I want to live
to thank you both.

Please, Father,
help me 
live in such a way 
as to
live. it. out.

~ Stacy

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