To Truly Love

"I suck at agape love!"

I have to admit,
when I heard 
this honest remark,
I was completely taken aback.

Especially since
the words 
had come from
my own mouth.

And especially since
the s word 
is not a part 
of my vocabulary.

Not at all.
Not ever.

And yet,
as I sat at the red light,
contemplating the admission
that had just 
erupted from my heart,
I came to the conclusion
there really wasn't
a "nicer" way
to say such an ugly truth.

I do suck at agape love.

Running errands,
I had been listening 
to praise and worship music
when I got the urge
to hit the "seek" button
on my car radio.

Next thing I knew,
God had my attention
as I found myself
listening to a radio pastor
explaining the different
kinds of love
found in the Bible.

Eros: romantic love.

Storge: love between family members.

Philia: love found in friendships.

Agape: unconditional, sacrificial love 
like the love God has for us.

Growing up
"in the church"
I had heard 
these terms before,
but this day,
at this moment,
the Holy Spirit 
was my teacher -
(through the words 
of this faithful pastor)
and the one speaking 
straight to my heart.

"Anyone can love someone 
who loves them back. 
That's not hard. 
That doesn't require anything.
That doesn't take agape.

But - 
to love others 
with the love of God -
with the kind of love 
God has for you and for me -
that takes agape.

To love when you are mistreated.
To love when others don't even notice.
To love with absolutely no intention of receiving back.
To love unconditionally and sacrificially.
This is agape."

And before I
even realized it 
or had time 
to truly process 
all I had just heard,
my heart -
leaps and bounds
ahead of my mind,
shot out the words
I could hardly believe 
I was hearing,
much less saying.

Then, tears.
So many tears.

And then, confession.
So much confession.

And then, pleading.
Such pleading for God
to change my heart.

To give me a new heart.

To help me love 
like He does
with agape love.

As the light 
turned green
and I continued 
down the street,
I cried out 
for His agape love
to flow from me.

A few minutes later,
as I sat waiting
to speak 
to a drive-up teller
at the bank,
the Spirit of God
once again 
began to speak 
to my heart.

"You already have 
all you need, sweet girl."

(Isn't it amazing?
No matter how ugly we are
God still sees us 
through eyes of love 
and speaks with 
terms of endearment.)

"You have My Spirit
living inside you.
You are completely capable
of loving others 
with agape love . . .
if you choose to."

"Ma'am? Hello, Ma'am.
How can I help you?"

Lost in conversation 
with God,
the voice 
of the bank teller
made me jump.

"Oh! Hello.
I just need 
to deposit this check 
into my account." 

Then - a few moments later:
"Ok. There you go.
Those funds are now 
available to draw from 
whenever you need them.
Can I help you 
with anything else?"

"No. Thank you. 
Have a blessed day."

And what this teller 
couldn't possibly know
was the way 
God used her words
to punctuate 
what He had already 
been speaking 
to my heart.

"All you need to do
is to choose 
to walk in My Spirit and
to draw from My love
already deposited in you, sweet girl.

Agape love 
is available for you 
to draw from
whenever you need it,
because I am available to you
whenever you need Me."

You don't need anything else.

You simply need 
to willfully choose
to yield to
and to surrender
to My Spirit
at work in you."

And just like 
I already knew 
money deposited 
into my account
was money 
I could draw from,
I already knew
I had what I needed
to walk in Agape love
already available 
within me.

I simply needed 
the reminder
to do it.

To choose it.

To die to self.
To live in the Spirit and not according to the flesh.

To not love to be loved back.
To not love only when others love me.
To not love only when it feels good and comes easy.

But, to love
with and through 
the Spirit of God -
who is agape love-
living inside me.

As I drove away
from the bank,
I thanked God 
for His agape love
poured out on this
(hardly ever, 
but wants nothing more to be)
sweet girl.

Oh, how the Father loves.

May I choose
to love like Him, too.

~Stacy