Really
Really angry.
This is what
I’ve been feeling
and wrestling with
for quite awhile now –
maybe even a few years.
If you were to ask me
what I’m angry about
or who I’m angry with,
up until the last few months,
up until God spoke the word
ABUNDANCE
as my word for the year
for 2024,
I don’t think
I could have told you.
Not that I would mind
letting you know
who or what,
it’s just that
up until recently,
I didn’t know who or what myself.
If I would have had
to pick someone
– say to win a million dollar prize –
I would have said my mom
simply because
we are the perfect example of
iron sharpening iron
and no one likes to be sharpened.
It hurts.
And because it does,
we get angry
and usually fight back,
even though we know
the sharpening is what
“rubs off” our sharp edges.
And yet,
sitting here now
with ABUNDANCE
the lens through which
I am now learning
to see everything,
I would have been wrong.
So very wrong.
Turns out,
I think I’m mad at my husband.
(that. was. hard. to. type.)
I lost my man
eight years ago
totally out of the blue,
completely unexpected
to a heart attack.
Just like that,
he was no longer in my life
and just like that,
grief was.
And while,
outside of losing my dad,
I had never known grief
at this intense level,
I had heard about
“the five stages of grief”.
As I made my way
through the next days
and weeks
and months
and finally years,
I was on the look out
for each of these five.
Except anger.
I decided early on
I was never going
to allow myself to
feel anger.
My determined stance
was two-fold,
centered around the
two in my life
who meant everything to me –
my God and my man.
I would never get angry
at either one of them.
Never. Ever. No matter what.
My reasoning behind
this decision
was rock solid.
If God chose
to take my man,
who was I
to get angry with Him
about that.
My man knew and loved God.
He always said he was ready
whenever God decided
it was his time.
No,
I was on
good terms with God.
I had no reason
to ever be angry with Him.
And my man, –
yes, if I’m being honest –
(which you know I am)
I could think of things
to be angry with him about –
especially in the midst
of a highly emotional,
but not at all rational,
moment of grief.
My head knew all about
death being a part of life,
but my heart –
it would find itself
asking my husband,
“Why did you leave me?”
As soon as the
question came, though,
I would squash it back down
and completely dismiss it.
I absolutely could not
get mad at my husband
because if I did,
I’d have no way
of asking his forgiveness
and making it right
with him again.
And this –
this would break me.
Years marched by
and me,
I went right on
marching through
all the other stages of grief,
ducking and dodging anger
at every turn.
I thought I was doing
pretty good at
sidestepping around it
until all of a sudden
I was angry.
Really angry.
The more anger
turned up in my life,
the more
love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness and of course,
self control
turned up missing.
One restless night,
on bent knees,
staring out at
the night sky,
I cried out to my God.
“Please, God. Help me.
This isn’t who I am.
I don’t like being angry.
Why, Lord. Why am I so angry?“
One by one,
God showed me
all the losses
I had experienced
the past several years.
I went from being
happily married,
employed in ministry I loved,
living a life I loved
to becoming a widow,
unemployed,
selling my home,
moving to a new state,
living with my mother,
spending all my life
taking care of her life.
And somehow,
deep down in my heart-
whether I wanted to
admit it or not,
I blamed my man
for this 180° turn around.
Here I was
face to face
with the very anger
I promised myself
I would never have.
But then,
(oh, but then)
God showed me
I wasn’t angry at all.
I was in mourning.
Deep mourning.
Abundant loss
will do that to you.
“Blessed are those who mourn,
for they shall be comforted.”
~Matthew 5:4
When God spoke
ABUNDANCE
into my life,
He was well aware,
even more than me,
of my compounded loss.
He also knew
it was time
to gain,
and not just a little,
but exponentially,
in ABUNDANCE.
As I cried
over my anger,
as I cried
over my missing
“fruit of the spirit”,
as I cried
over my
being everything
I didn’t want to be
from this place of anger –
God drew near.
The God
of all comfort
came close –
so very close.
Make no doubt
about it,
grieving is hard work.
I’m discovering
healing is, too.
But, I’m also
realizing
the same God
who was with me
when I stepped into grief
eight years ago,
is the same
faithful God
who is here in my healing.
That night,
as I stood looking
out at the sky,
and mourning
came into focus
and stood
front and center,
I knew that I knew that I knew,
the One who was
holding the stars
and the moon in place
was holding me.
And I finally
understood
why anger
is one of the five stages –
it’s simply grief –
raw and unbridled
crying out for comfort.
It is mourning
as the deepest level.
But praise God,
His love,
His comfort,
His very presence
goes deeper.
Really comforted.
This is what
I’ve been feeling
and experiencing
for quite awhile now –
maybe even for a few months.
If you want to ask me
why I’ve been
feeling this way,
I can absolutely tell you.
It’s because of my God –
who out of the
ABUNDANCE
of His heart
is healing mine.
Really.
Praise be to God.
~Stacy
This post is the tenth post in the ABUNDANCE series.
The first post is “Abundance”, followed by “FULLY LOVED”, “In a New Light”, “Less is More”,“Choose Life”,“Run to The Father”, “Keep Looking”, “Doubling Up”, and “The Referral”.
