The Referral
“I could write you
a referral to another doctor,
but that would just be
a waste of time.
Just like today.”
The words no sooner
hit my ears,
than an apology from me
hit the ears of this
more than kind,
more than gracious,
more than patient doctor.
“I’m so sorry
for all the time
we’ve taken
from you today.”
Turning his gaze
from the computer
where he was
completing his notes
on our visit,
he looked right at me
and said,
“I was thinking
about your time, too.
I have a feeling
you find yourself
sitting in appointments
just like this one
time and time again.
Your time is valuable, too.”
As the words hung
in the air,
he finished his notes.
Soon a nurse
and my mother
came back into
the small exam room
where they had been
moments before.
Kindly, but firmly,
the doctor explained
there was no reason
for us to come again,
or to be referred to
an additional doctor.
All was well,
my mother’s “issues”
were simply age-related
and not “fixable”-
only manageable,
and we were doing
the best we could.
As we walked to the car,
I couldn’t help thinking
God had chosen
to use yet another
unneccesary appointment
for my mother
as a neccesary opportunity
to speak to His daughter –
me.
Time.
Such a precious gift.
Something we have
in ABUNDANCE.
Despite the common consensus
that there never seems to be
enough hours in the day,
God clearly showed me
that day
the problem wasn’t with time,
it was with me
friviously letting it slip away
while I sat in
one doctor office after another.
And then
as He is always
faithful to do,
now that He had me
thinking about this,
He took it one step further.
Not only was
I wasting time,
I was wasting time
trying to fix
what wasn’t fixable.
ABUNDANCE
This is the word
God spoke to my heart
as my word for the year
in 2024.
It’s becoming very obvious to me
(and probably to you now, too)
God is just beginning
to get down to
the nitty, gritty of
what ADUNDANCE means –
only it’s starting to feel
more like
open-heart surgery
instead of a deep-dive
into the definition of a word.
The last four years,
my mother and I
have been inseperable.
The one thing
that has been as
constant as our time together
has been the enormous
amount of stress
I have experienced
trying to manage
her life and mine.
And what God
showed me that day –
without any rose colored glasses
to soften the blow –
was that most of my time
wasn’t really spent
trying to manage her issues.
It was spent
trying to manage her.
(I know. Ouch.)
We are so different.
I love her with all
of my heart,
but where I’m all heart,
she’s all head –
black and white,
by the book,
no room for gray,
much less color.
I’m all the colors of a kaleidoscope.
Her way of doing life
squeezes all of life out of me,
and my way of doing life
suffocates her.
Did I mention
we’ve been squeezing
and suffocating for four years?!
And for four years,
my sister
has been telling me
exactly what this kind doctor said:
You are wasting your time.
You can’t fix this.
You can only try to manage it.
A fixer?
Me?
I never knew I was,
but it’s clear to me now,
I most definitely am.
But here’s the thing:
Not everything in life
is mine to fix.
Especially not the people
God has so graciously
placed in my life.
The only thing
I am responsible
for fixing
is me.
Only, even here –
especially here –
I fall short, too.
So many nights
these last four years
have been spent
with me on bent knees,
tears flowing down my cheeks,
crying out to my God
to help me
do this better,
to be better.
I have come that they may have life,
and that they may have it more abundantly.
~John 10:10
Here’s what I’ve learned:
1. I can’t fix my mom.
2. I can’t fix me.
All my trying –
simly put –
is a huge waste of time,
not to mention
a huge waste of
energy,
emotion,
and my physical health.
Jesus knows it,
and this
is why He came.
To do what I can’t.
To do what you can’t.
To do what none of us can do –
to fix what needs fixing.
And despite the common consensus
that “can’t” is not honorable
and is admitted defeat,
God clearly showed me
that day,
unlike time
that I let slip away –
my problem with “can’t”
was I was holding onto it
with everything I had.
Until that night.
Until I couldn’t anymore.
Until I finally realized
ABUNDANCE
must be found in
letting go.
I was absolutely powerless.
I was completely “broke”.
I was not able to
do anything but
beg for God’s mercy,
beg for God’s help,
beg for God – period.
“Lord, I can’t.”
How precious is our God
to answer when we cry out.
His answer came later than night.
Not in a miraculous
change of my heart,
but in a familiar verse:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.”
~Matthew 5:3
I needed help.
I was poor in spirit.
And God,
precious God,
who didn’t want me
to waste one more minute
trying to fix
what wasn’t mine to fix,
wrote me a referral.
“Come to me,
all you who are weary
and carry heavy burdens,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you.
Let me teach you,
because I am humble
and gentle at heart,
and you will find
rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy to bear,
and the burden I give you is light.”
~Matthew 11:28-30
And despite the common concensus
that ABUNDANCE and poor
are clearly opposites,
just like my mom and me,
God clearly showed me
that night,
when it comes to
the kingdom of Heaven,
He has a way
of bridging the gap,
of bringing the two
side by side,
when we are willing
to finally cry out,
“Lord, I can’t.”
~Stacy
This post is the ninth post in the ABUNDANCE series.
The first post is “Abundance”, followed by “FULLY LOVED”, “In a New Light”, “Less is More”, “Choose Life”, “Run to The Father”, “Keep Looking” and “Doubling Up”.
